November ~ A Season of Gratitude

My life feels like this picture.

Everything in it is beautiful and in its perfect place. I just want to sit and stare at all of the little things that come together to make it as beautiful as it is. I find myself stopping and staring at it all in complete wonder. How can something be so amazing? How did it all come to be? And how did I get so lucky to be a part of it?

 But at the same time it is very crowded. There are a lot of things blocking the view to what lies beyond. There are small little things that together create big walls hiding what is past them. There are big things that stand tall and in the way. But they are all pretty and are there because God put them there and that is where he wants them. Every once in awhile I can find a little window that allows me to glimpse what lies beyond all of the clutter that is directly in front of me. I see more beauty. But I also see more small and tall things all around. It seems to go on forever.

My life feels like this picture.

I have a beautifully wonderful life. It is full of people whom I love and who love me. It is busy with lots of distractions and then there are moments that make me stop and stare and remember that I am one of the luckiest people in the world because I have this amazing life. Everything is in my life for a reason. God has led me down this path and is constantly placing opportunities around me to help me grow and succeed. He is opening doors to help and lift those around me all the while he is leading others to help and lift me.

It is easy to get lost in the endless tree's, leaves and branches that surround my everyday life. And sometimes when I get a glimpse of what lies ahead for me I realized that the trees, leaves and branches are endless, and will always be there to distract and steal my attention. But they are also the things that make my life so beautiful. They mark where I've been and how I have become who I am. They are waiting for me to get to them, to challenge me and show me something new. I am so grateful that I am me! That I know Heavenly Father has held my hand throughout my life and guided me where he knows I need to be. I am thankful for the big tree's and the small leaves that have glittered my path. I am thankful for a Savior who has picked me up when I have tripped.

November is a season of gratitude and I hope I can remember all the things that I have to be thankful for.

Sometimes I'm a bad mom.

These are my beautiful children. I love them dearly. Sometimes I look at them and wonder how on Earth I got the privilege of being their mother. The challenge of rearing and teaching them is often overwhelming and I feel less than up to the task.

I have this idea in my head of what their mother should be like. Of the kind of mother I want to be. Every once in awhile that mother pokes her head into our house and spreads happiness around like fairy dust. I love when she comes to our house. There are other times when another, very angry, mean mother comes over and I can't seem to hold the door closed hard enough as she is trying to ram her way into the house. I hate when she is here. I really do. I am happy to say that I am that first mother! It's true! I am sad to say that I am also the mean mother. It's true.

There are times when I can't seem to get a hold of my anger after asking for one of my children to complete a very simple task 80 times and seeing that it just isn't getting done. Or when I ask them not to do something 80 times and they do it for the 90th time. Sometimes they are mean to each other and I just can't understand why they would treat each other that way! They are siblings! There are so many reasons, sadly, that this angry mother shows her face and I don't know how to make her go away.

A couple of days ago I was throwing Reagan a birthday party. It seems like their worst behavior shows itself on days that have something going on. After a morning of all of the above and more going on I blew my top. I yelled louder and meaner than I ever remember yelling. Most of the time when I yell my kids barely hear me. They just look at each other and laugh. Which of course makes me madder. This time, however, they knew I was serious and stopped everything to stare at me like I was going to do something crazy. This day I was done being ignored. I NEEDED to be heard! I was so upset that I threatened to cancel the birthday party. And I really would have done it had I been ignored for the millionth time.

Luckily, my very smart children knew this was for real and stopped the craziness that led to my craziness. Time seemed to slow down after my melt down and the kids calmed. They managed to be good for the next hour before bedtime and didn't get the party cancelled. I was glad for that. I was also so sad that I had acted the way I had. Sometimes I'm a bad mom. Sometimes I can't find a better solution to their bad behavior and I yell my voice dry. I hate that about myself. I want to be the happy, wonderful, fairy dust spreading mother that I know they deserve 100% of the time. Every day I get the chance to be that mother. I'm not perfect and I still get frustrated at times. But I know it is something that I can work on and hopefully the angry mom will slowly go away.

Feel Goods and Reassurances

I am who I am. And that is a lot of things.

Most of which I won't get into now, but I will tell you a little bit about who I am when it comes to right and wrong. Weird topic, I know, but I wanted to write this down.

I think everyone is different when it comes to choosing right or wrong. There are people who try to be good and do what is right, but believe there is a grey area. An area that allows them to do things that are on what I call the borderline of right and wrong. Choices that won't get them a visit with their bishop or maybe even an "I'm sorry" in their prayers, but that also won't get them closer to their Heavenly Father, or building their character in any way. There are those who know the choices they are making are wrong but don't really care. The choices make them feel good and that is enough. There are those that make a lot of wrong choices and try very hard to change that pattern and never seem to be able to escape it.

This brings us to me. I am none of the above. I have never questioned right and wrong. I have always known what they are, which I should avoid, and which I should strive for. I am repulsed by wrong. I know that sounds strange. But I really am. I want to be as far away from things that I know are wrong as I possibly can. This does not make me perfect. Believe me. I have made a lot of mistakes and made wrong choices in my life. And all of those times I have felt an incredible amount of guilt and shame because I KNOW it was wrong and I hate that I am associated with it. I try so hard to do what is right in every aspect of my life that it is tiring at times. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy and just need to relax, but then I remember, this is who I am. Why would I want to let a little bit of wrong into my life on purpose and feel all of the yucky guilt and remorse? Ultimately I don't. I know the road back from choosing wrong and I don't think I could make it. It's better if I just steer clear completely. I am grateful that during those times that I trip and fall and make mistakes, I am able to repent and realign myself to the person that I want to be.

The reason that I am telling you this about myself is this. Sometimes I forget that other people see who I am. I forget that I am in the atmosphere of others and that others aren't just here to be in mine. I love watching people and seeing them strive for good. Watching people struggle and try to choose right or wrong is fascinating to me. But the thought that others may be watching me is a new concept for me. I don't know why that is. When I write it down I realize it should be obvious, but for some reason it is not.

I had a conversation with Steve about a week ago as we were driving in the car. A movie was playing in the backseat and the kids were completely enthralled. Steve and I were having one of those cherished moments of conversation that wasn't being interrupted by our children. I can't remember exactly how it came up but I think we were talking about something someone was wearing at the event we had just left. Steve thought what she was wearing was a little inappropriate. Maybe a bit on the immodest side of the line. I agreed. I put myself in her shoes and said maybe it was because she didn't have garments yet and that her clothing choices would change when she had to wear those. Steve disagreed. He said "you wouldn't wear that if you didn't have garments." I knew he was right. I probably wouldn't. It was too immodest for me. But that goes back to what I said before, there is no grey area for me. I try to stay as far in the white as I can.

Back story: Last month Steve and I went on a cruise. On the first stop we left the boat to go shopping in Key West. At one of the stores Steve found a swimming suit for me that was very, very cute. I could see exactly why he wanted me to get it. After my first thought, it was cute, came my second thought, it's way too low cut. Too bad I can't wear it. Steve tried to get me to buy the suit. "We were on a cruise and I would wear it for him, my husband." "We don't know anyone else on the boat so it doesn't matter if I wear it just for the cruise because he would love to see me in it". I laughed at his attempts at persuasion and we left the store without the suit.

Flash forward: When I didn't respond to Steve's comment about me not wearing the immodest clothing he reminded me of that moment in the store. He said that he was so happy to be my husband because I would choose right even when no one I knew would know otherwise and even when he was trying to persuade me otherwise. He was happy I would stand up for my morals no matter what, no matter who, and no matter why. I never thought twice about that moment in the store but it was something that had stuck with him. I literally started crying in the car. (try not to laugh). It meant so much to me that Steve knew who I was. That he was glad that was who I was. And that he thought I was making good choices. It felt really good. It is little things like that talk in the car that reminds me that even though it would be easy to take a step in the grey, I don't want to. I am happy being me and I need to continue to strive to do what is right. If I can always feel the love that I felt in the car, it will all be worth it.

So busy...

This is truly a season of change, with the leaves changing to a beautiful golden yellow or bright red, and it is also a season full of activities. October brings a lot of fun things for me. I am a pushover for anything Halloween... decorations, treats, movies or music. I just love anything orange and purple. There are a lot of Halloween things going on in October, The witches at Gardener's Village, Halloween parties, decorating, etc. We also celebrate my little princess's birthday along with my own. Let's not forget the birthdays of 6 other close relatives.

This October has seemed even more busy than others in the past. We spent Conference weekend in Park City with my family, a tradition we started a few years ago and that I look forward to every fall. We celebrated Reagan's birthday, took a trip to Bear Lake, participated in my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary party, ward girls night at my house, I just finished throwing a cousin a baby shower, am throwing Reagan a birthday party next week, I have my wards Primary Program next Sunday so we have a practice tomorrow and next Friday to prepare (I am the president and am feeling the weight of their success on my shoulders). Thank heavens for great councelors. I have had 3 photo sessions and one next week, gotta get my hair done, celebrate my birthday at the end of the month, trick or treat, and attend my mom's halloween party.

Phew.

That made me tired just writing it down. All of that in one month.

I realize that I do a lot of that to myself. I could probably drop a few of those things or try and rearrange them, but I didn't want to miss out on any of them. I know the month is only half way over, and I still have quite a bit more to go in the next two weeks, but I am glad we've done so many things. I am glad I was a part of it all.

There have been moments when I wanted to pass out on the couch and I couldn't help asking myself what in the world I was doing and why I thought it was a good idea to agree to all of it, but in the end every individual event was so great and worth the efffort. So, although I am tired most days and feel overwhelmed by all of the activities filling our days, I am also so happy and fulfilled knowing I am doing so many things for the people I love. I am filled with love just being around them. It is all worthwhile.

Fall

Oh, how I love the fall.

It is by far my favorite season of all.

Everything about it, the smell, feeling in the air, life around me signifies change.
There's something refreshing about change.

This fall has been no different. I feel I have an opportunity to re-evaluate myself, who I am and who I want to be. What areas of my life do I want to improve? How can I do that? I have all sorts of ideas goals I want to set. Now is the time to put them to paper and figure out how to make them happen. I think I can do it.

Conference was this past weekend and I felt rejuvenated as I listened to the prophets council me. What a special time it is to hear their voices and feel their spirit. I can't remember a time in my life that I have looked forward to conference the way I do now. I get hungry for their words of love. I feel edified as I listen, and sad when it is over. 6 whole months until we get to do it again? That seems like a long time. I will cling to the feeling I have from this conference for as long as I can. Until we meet again.

Hey there

Hey, I'm Sarah. I just wanted to introduce myself before I jumped into this new blog of mine. I have done a lot of blogging up to this point and in a few different places. I have a blog where I talk about the happenings of my family, I have a blog to showcase my photography, I contribute to a recipe blog and also maintained a blog for my in-laws documenting the service they rendered during their LDS mission to Germany. I love all of these blogs and didn't want to change what they are. But I also want a blog, well journal, that is all my own. A real representation of who I am and what I think about and how I feel. That is where Seasons of Sarah comes in. I am excited to have a place to share the most personal side of me.

Right now this blog is private and no one is invited to view it. It is mine and I really want it to always feel that way. I want to write this for myself and not anyone else. I don't want to edit what I say because of the audience who might read it. I want to be all me and all how I feel no matter what. I know myself too well, and I know I might not be completely honest if I was worried about someone reading it.

So, here we go. Here I am. The anticipation of what this blog can be for me is very exciting. I can't wait to let it all out!