I am who I am. And that is a lot of things.
Most of which I won't get into now, but I will tell you a little bit about who I am when it comes to right and wrong. Weird topic, I know, but I wanted to write this down.
I think everyone is different when it comes to choosing right or wrong. There are people who try to be good and do what is right, but believe there is a grey area. An area that allows them to do things that are on what I call the borderline of right and wrong. Choices that won't get them a visit with their bishop or maybe even an "I'm sorry" in their prayers, but that also won't get them closer to their Heavenly Father, or building their character in any way. There are those who know the choices they are making are wrong but don't really care. The choices make them feel good and that is enough. There are those that make a lot of wrong choices and try very hard to change that pattern and never seem to be able to escape it.
This brings us to me. I am none of the above. I have never questioned right and wrong. I have always known what they are, which I should avoid, and which I should strive for. I am repulsed by wrong. I know that sounds strange. But I really am. I want to be as far away from things that I know are wrong as I possibly can. This does not make me perfect. Believe me. I have made a lot of mistakes and made wrong choices in my life. And all of those times I have felt an incredible amount of guilt and shame because I KNOW it was wrong and I hate that I am associated with it. I try so hard to do what is right in every aspect of my life that it is tiring at times. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy and just need to relax, but then I remember, this is who I am. Why would I want to let a little bit of wrong into my life on purpose and feel all of the yucky guilt and remorse? Ultimately I don't. I know the road back from choosing wrong and I don't think I could make it. It's better if I just steer clear completely. I am grateful that during those times that I trip and fall and make mistakes, I am able to repent and realign myself to the person that I want to be.
The reason that I am telling you this about myself is this. Sometimes I forget that other people see who I am. I forget that I am in the atmosphere of others and that others aren't just here to be in mine. I love watching people and seeing them strive for good. Watching people struggle and try to choose right or wrong is fascinating to me. But the thought that others may be watching me is a new concept for me. I don't know why that is. When I write it down I realize it should be obvious, but for some reason it is not.
I had a conversation with Steve about a week ago as we were driving in the car. A movie was playing in the backseat and the kids were completely enthralled. Steve and I were having one of those cherished moments of conversation that wasn't being interrupted by our children. I can't remember exactly how it came up but I think we were talking about something someone was wearing at the event we had just left. Steve thought what she was wearing was a little inappropriate. Maybe a bit on the immodest side of the line. I agreed. I put myself in her shoes and said maybe it was because she didn't have garments yet and that her clothing choices would change when she had to wear those. Steve disagreed. He said "you wouldn't wear that if you didn't have garments." I knew he was right. I probably wouldn't. It was too immodest for me. But that goes back to what I said before, there is no grey area for me. I try to stay as far in the white as I can.
Back story: Last month Steve and I went on a cruise. On the first stop we left the boat to go shopping in Key West. At one of the stores Steve found a swimming suit for me that was very, very cute. I could see exactly why he wanted me to get it. After my first thought, it was cute, came my second thought, it's way too low cut. Too bad I can't wear it. Steve tried to get me to buy the suit. "We were on a cruise and I would wear it for him, my husband." "We don't know anyone else on the boat so it doesn't matter if I wear it just for the cruise because he would love to see me in it". I laughed at his attempts at persuasion and we left the store without the suit.
Flash forward: When I didn't respond to Steve's comment about me not wearing the immodest clothing he reminded me of that moment in the store. He said that he was so happy to be my husband because I would choose right even when no one I knew would know otherwise and even when he was trying to persuade me otherwise. He was happy I would stand up for my morals no matter what, no matter who, and no matter why. I never thought twice about that moment in the store but it was something that had stuck with him. I literally started crying in the car. (try not to laugh). It meant so much to me that Steve knew who I was. That he was glad that was who I was. And that he thought I was making good choices. It felt really good. It is little things like that talk in the car that reminds me that even though it would be easy to take a step in the grey, I don't want to. I am happy being me and I need to continue to strive to do what is right. If I can always feel the love that I felt in the car, it will all be worth it.
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